🔗 Share this article

Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It frustrates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve read that counseling might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and anxiety.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This process will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.